Food

CAESAR SALAD

by steve

This is a short one. Go to the grocery store and get one of them kits near the front of the store that says “Caesar Salad” and has a bunch of sad brown lettuce, crouton dust , bacon scented pebbles and a plastic pouch that says “dressing” on the outside. Mix all that shit together while sitting in your car and…..Buon appetito! 

Ok fine, here’s one that’s way more work:

INGREDIENTS

PART A:

  • 1 romaine heart (feel like I shouldn’t have to put this on the list, if you don’t know you’re going to need lettuce for this little adventure then I’d better use smaller words), yes just one, if you want more, then uh….get two?
  • Croutons (I guess you can make these yourself by neglecting some bread for a while, or skip them, I often do)
  • Bacon bits (it’s like bacon, but smaller. As with the croutons, I think bacon is optional)

PART B:

  • 2 egg yolks (the yolk is the yellow part)
  • 2 tsp anchovy paste (see note below)
  • 4 tsp lemon juice (plus more when dressing the salad)
  • 1 tsp dijon mustard
  • 1 tsp Worcestershire sauce
  • 6 cloves garlic (your blender will probably do a decent job of turning the garlic into smaller garlic but you might want to grate it first, lest one of your guests get a whole clove in their mouth and wonder why vampires are being all passive-aggressive)
  • 40g (about a 1”x1”x2” piece) parmesan cheese, plus a bit more when assembling the salad (this is actual hard parm here, not the dust you get next to the dry spaghetti at the store…ever wonder how they can store “cheese” unrefrigerated?) I guess you could buy the pieces pre-grated but like…why? Is your arm sore?
  • 4 tbsp olive oil
  • 3/4 tsp black pepper (10 grinds on my non-official pepper mill)

A note on anchovy paste: if your first thought upon reading “anchovy” was “eww I hate anchovy” then you are a coward and a liar and probably have never actually eaten one. The paste is considerably less gross than the little fishies and easy to stir into all kinds of stuff (meat sauce, beef stew, anything you want more “meaty”). It keeps for a long time in the fridge so stop being a weenie and just go get some. If you really want to cry about it, you can substitute Worcestershire sauce here (it’s made with anchovies too dummy!)

DIRECTIONS

  1. Disassemble the lettuce and wash the leaves. Put them on paper towel (or a regular towel if you are trying to save the world one paper towel at a time) and dry them a bit (doesn’t need to be perfectly dry)
  2. We’re going to need to blend this so if you have a stick blender, get yourself a 2-cup measuring cup or something of similar size that will accommodate your stick blender. If you are going to use a non-stick blender (I think they call it a “blender”) then you’ll be using the blender carafe (fancy word!)
  3. Add all the Part B ingredients to your vessel of choice and blend the shit out of it. 
  4. Get yourself a big bowl and add the Part A ingredients (did I mention that you should cut the lettuce into smaller pieces? No? Well, do that)
  5. Add about ¾ of the dressing to the salad and give it a good tossin’ (do NOT Google “how to toss a salad”). 
  6. Add some lemon juice to the party (1 tsp) and toss some more. 
  7. If you’re happy with the dressing coverage then move on to the next step. If not, add the rest of the dressing (it’s easy to add more dressing, stubbornly difficult to remove it)
  8. Finish with some grated parm and some fresh cracked black pepper 
  9. Enjoy with a piece of lasagna the size of a cereal box and enjoy your meal guilt free (can’t be bad for me….look! There’s salad!) Or eat the whole thing right from the salad bowl standing over your sink, you do you big guy. 

ADDITIONAL NOTES

  • This has a lot of garlic, but I like it that way. If you like making out with vampires, maybe use half the garlic.
  • I like a LOT of black pepper but rather than add it to the dressing I add it when I’m putting the salad on the plate (not everyone shares my love of the black dust)
  • There are uncooked egg yolks in this salad! If you are someone who can’t eat uncooked egg yolks, then buy the dressing in the bottle. Pretty sure no egg has ever been near that stuff.